I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
