On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This is classic penis vs brain.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
