I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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