I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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