Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
