the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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