Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
