I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
