In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
