I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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