Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
