i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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