can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
