Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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