now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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