Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
