genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
it's like iHOP with fire
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
