Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
