the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
