I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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