Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
