booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
