so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
