i barfeds in our rink
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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