I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
