I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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