mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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