Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
3 2 1 whiskey
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
