i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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