my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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