just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
