god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize