Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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