i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
