What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
