Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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