my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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