A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
