Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
