I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Who wears a wallet chain?!
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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