im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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