I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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