at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
