woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
