why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
