He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
