I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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