I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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