Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
