Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
